#19585 - me vs. ego
Recently I’ve been contemplating an impending trip overseas with the family: to Japan to be precise. I haven’t been since I was an eye-rolling 8-year-old blob of grumpiness with an intolerance to anything that wasn’t my BMX or didn’t have sugar. As a fully-formed adult with my own ‘eye-rollers’ (only some of the time to be fair), it occurred to me that while my family reclined in our accommodation after a long day trekking about Tokyo, it might be advantageous to make some work after hours in the brightly lit streets of Shinjuku. My excitement turned to circular arguments about what gear to take: which camera, which lens or lenses. Do I go easy on myself with weight? MFT, full frame, point and shoot? Old school digital or new and fandangled? Primes for low light or zooms for walkaround, or both!?
The rabbit hole just went on and on and around and around. It’s because it’s my first time overseas in nearly 20 years, our first time as a couple and our first time going as a family. I’m keen to make some good work and don’t want to fluff it up by taking a sub-standard set of tools. My other thought (from my less desirable ego) is that, ‘dude, no-one is really going to see these photos. Do you think that this one trip is going to yield a unique perspective of Tokyo that no-one has ever seen?’ See what I mean? I’m in a dual with my ego on two fronts. To the north, an optimistic photographer with a reasonable eye for the abstract and composition in general. To the south, a clown with too much gear and not enough insight as to how best to use it all, while spending hours on YouTube looking for ways to answer his choice paralysis.
The very small part of me that can be rational and analytical looked through my photo catalogue at the work I’m most satisfied with. That work comes from either the 50mm or 100mm+ focal lengths. But my question is whether those two views translate to making good, new work in a new environment. I’m not a photojournalist so the rules of documentation don’t apply. Here’s the battle, again.
me: Hmm, what kind of work do I want to make in Japan?
ego: It’s not more of the same abstract nonsense is it?
me: Maybe. It may not be popular but it’s the kind of photography I like making.
ego: What if you just left all the big gear at home and took a point-and-shoot, or just used your phone? If no one is going to see this work then who cares what you use?
me: I’ll see it.
ego: So? You’ve got thousands of photos already that no one is going to see…
me: When I’m gone the kids can pick through it…
ego: Don’t be smug. You’ve got all this amazing gear so why not use some of it?
me: A lot of weighs a tonne.
ego: Diddums. Do you need a back rub?
me: It rhymes with cluck off…
ego: Ok man, let’s get real. You’ve got all this gear, some of it old, some of it new, some of it light, some of it heavy, some of it capable in different situations. What will be the most practical in terms of good image quality, portability and low light?
me: Well, the S1 is amazing in low light and that stands for daylight too, obviously. But it’s a little on the heavy side…
ego: Work out, go to the gym.
me: Let me finish. I’ve got fast lenses for it that aren’t that heavy so it balances out.
ego: …
me: The D3 on the other hand is an all-manual focus affair which is no big deal but it sucks in poor light and there’s a low chance of getting good big prints out of it.
ego: There you go with the ‘people wanting your work’ thing again.
me: …
ego: What about the small sensor cameras you’ve got. Olympus?
me: Yeah, great for portability and I could take two cameras and not feel a thing. But they’re not so great in low light…
ego: See above…re: people wanting your work.
me: I think I’m nearly there. Bugger the extra weight. One body (the S1) and two lenses (50mm and an 85mm) and possibly the 135mm adapted.
ego: See, it’s not so hard is it?
me: Yes, but you’re not me. Oh, wait…
ego: You’re in a panic aren’t you?
me: I suppose. It’s a ‘fear’ (for want of a better word) of the unknown. If I get there and I think to myself, ‘I should have brought this or that over instead’, I’m going to get annoyed with myself.
ego: You really are overthinking this whole thing. Take the 50mm and the 85mm and one camera. Maybe chuck something else in the bag just in case. But honestly, go and have a good time. Whatever work you end up making will be ‘great’ (for want of a better word).
ego: Where’s the real you?
me: What do you mean?
ego: The real ‘you’. The ‘you’ that used to concentrate on making good work, rather than obsessing about gear.
me: He went on an extended holiday with my sanity. They’re probably somewhere calm and relaxing…
ego: Yeah, right-o. Where’s the ‘you’ that walked every day and made those interesting urban abstracts, or whatever you call them?
me: Oh, they’re interesting now? Look, to be honest, I got over looking at the same buildings, doorways and panes of glass. I’ve shot the shit out of this place and I started to see the same angles, over and over.
ego: Sounds like you need a back rub again…
me: Come on…
Ego: Ok. So why not go elsewhere? There’s so much to photograph that’s interesting so you just need to put in the effort to go and photograph it. If it doesn’t work out then so what? You gave it a go.
me: I know. Sometimes motivation can be hard to come by.
ego: You some need motivation? How about, you’re the last one in your family still alive? You’ve lost your brother and both parents. Stop making excuses and go and make work. If people don’t like it then so what. Stop caring about what people think and do what makes you happy.
me: I know. I know.
ego: I know you know. Shut up and go outside. I don’t care where you go. Up the street or overseas. Use that stuff between your ears and make the most of the time you have left.
ego: What’s this obsession with all the gear? You’ve got too much. Are you insecure?
me: Maybe. I’m always looking at gear, I know. It probably comes down to wanting to know a lot without necessarily putting that knowledge into any meaningful use. I have way too many cameras and I’m in the process of selling a few off. I have collected a couple of legendary cameras. There’s one I’ll never sell.
ego: Sure. I think you rely on cheap tricks with your photography.
me: Explain.
ego: All this gear, nowhere to take it and you have very little use for it. The ‘cheap tricks’ I’m referring to are the elements in the compositions you use: glass, reflections, refractions, mirroring etc
me: OK. In my defence, I have tried to develop a ‘style’ in the hope that it’s unique in some way, knowing that in photography very little is unique.
ego: I know who your influences are. It’s pretty obvious.
me: Yeah, well. Everyone has them. I purposefully look at each photograph I take and evaluate it for any hero infringements.
ego: Hilarious. Surely you’re not that hung up about it.
me: No but I’m not a copyist either. I’d prefer not to trade on the work of others. There’s no avoiding influence though.
ego: Having a different take on things is ok I suppose.
ego: So after all this crapping on have you worked it out? What gear are you taking overseas?
me: Does it matter?
ego: Nope.